Enough of Sardar jokes……Mallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!!!!

Enough of Sardar jokes……Mallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!!!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax.

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.

 What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'.

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where ".

17) Why aren't Mallus included in hockey and football teams?
Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs....
(My Mallu peeps, no offence, its just a forward..zimbly read and yenjay).

Bhoot

Do Bhoot Apas main baat kar rahe the...
Bhoot1 : Tu kaise mara.
Bhoot2 : Friz ki Thand se,
aur tu kaise mara
bhoot1 :  Patni pe shak tha.
Pura ghar dunda par Ashik
nahi mila.
Sarm se sucide kar li.
Bhoot1 : Friz khol deta to
dono bach jate....

Kon Bada ??

Ek Sharabi Sarab Pee kar ghar jaa raha tha...
Raste main Mandir ke bahar Pujari dikha.
Sharabi ne pujari se poocha, sabse bada kaun?
Pujari ne peecha chudane ke liye kaha "Mandir Bada"..
Sharabi bola - Mandir bada to dharti pe kaise khada
Pujari : "Chalo bhai Dharti badi"
Sharabi : "Dharti badi to Sheshnaag pe kyun khadi"
Pujari : "Sheshnaag bada"
Sharabi : "Sheshnaag bada to Shiv ke gale main kyon pada"
Pujari : "Chalo bhai Shiv bada"
Sharabi : "Shiv bada to Parbat par kyon khada"
Pujari : "Parbat bada"
Sharabi : "Parbat bada to Hanuman ki ungli pe kyon pada"
Pujari : "Hanuman bada"
Sharabi : "Hanuman bada to Ram ki charno main kyon pada"
Pujari : "Ram bada"
Sharabi : "Ram bada to Ravan ke piche kyun pada"
Pujari : "Arey mere baap tu bata kaun bada"
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Sharabi : "Is duniya main wo bada jo Puri bottle pee ke apni taango pe khada"

Its Performance

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who r u ?

Guy : I am a rickshaw driver from Pune.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who r u ?

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.

God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.

Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold & I spent all my life preaching good get cotton.

God : Results, my son, results.

While you preached, people slept, when he drove, people really prayed...

“Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!”

Who Iam ?

It happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first;and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too.

Note : He must have been an Indian politician, or the offspring of one. (The line "Do you know who I am" is used by them very often to get something which is clearly not their due but which they consider to be their birth-right).

Lawyer love letter

Ever wondered how a lawyer could write a love
letter to his girlfriend? To .....,
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms ......,
1. That I am very happy to inform you that I have
fallen in Love with you since the 7th of August
(Wednesday).
2. That with reference to the meeting held
between us on the 11th of Aug. at 15:00hrs, I
would like to present myself as a prospective
lover.
3. That our love affair would be on probation for a
period of three months and depending on
compatibility, would be made permanent.
4. That needless to say and of course, upon
completion of probation, I propose that there will
be a continuous 'on the job training' and
performance appraisal schemes leading up to
promotion from lover to spouse.
5. That I propose that the expenses incurred for
coffee and entertainment would initially be
shared equally between us.
6. That I further propose that later, based on our
mutual performance, I might take up a larger
share of the expenses.
7. That however I am broad-minded enough to be
taken care of, on your expense account.
8. That I humbly request you to kindly respond
within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing
which, this offer would be cancelled without
further notice and I shall be considering someone
else.
9. That I wish to add here that I would be happy,
if you could forward this letter to your sister, if
you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation.
Please reply if you desire so...
Yours sincerely,

Flood

Three men are fishing in a resort. One says, “I had a terrible fire, lost everything. But the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I’m here.”
The second man says, “I had a terrible explosion, lost everything. Insurance is helping, so I’ here.”
The third guy says, “What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood, lost everything. The insurance firm is bailing me out too and that’s why I’m here.” 
The others turn to him confused and ask, “Flood? How did you start a flood?”

Dalal Street

Considering the current turmoil @ DALAL STREET , our Stock Exchange has revised the following terms :

BSE:- Bombay Se Exit

NSE:- Nation se exit

F/O:- Future over

NIFTY: No income for this year

FII:- Fraudulent international investors

HNI:- Has no idea

PMS:- Pre mediated scam

SIP:- Suicide by investing
patiently

EBITDA:- Exit before it tumbles down again.

Titanic kyo duba

Ek auto rickshaw me couple kiss
kar rhe the...
Driver unhe dekh raha tha
.
.
.
Aage jaake accident hua
.
.
Toh...
.
Driver sar pakad kar baitha aur
bola:-
.
.
.
saala ab samjhaa Titanic kyu
dooba tha

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See more blogs :

Lord Hanuman 
Download Devotional Bhajans / Mantra / Aarti Etc

Jalaram bapa 

Lord Ganesha 
Funny Things 
Indian God Wallpaper
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Don’t mess with a SINDHI.

A SINDHI-born lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client, Keswani, merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not his total self, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the Judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's Arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant, Keswani, smiled
With his Lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. ...
Don’t mess with a SINDHI.

Top 12 funny shops...

Top 12 funny shops...

1.Gandhi Hair Saloon.

2.Mallika Textiles.

3.Kalmadi Constructions Pvt Ltd

4.Jayalalita Fitness Club.

5.Dharmendra Dance Academy.

6.Mayawati Beauty Parlour.

7.Yamraj Travels.

8.Surdas Opticals.

9.Inzamam English Classes.

10.Salman Marriage Bureau.

11.Rakhi Satsang Kendra...

& the best of all...

12.Manmohan Public Speaking School.....

JIm and Sue

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife:'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.'
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Now THAT, my friends, is how a good poker player operates.

Three blondes

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steel head trout in this river?

Facebook

Sometime ppl focus on making others lose so that they can win. Win for your sake not for the loss of others...good morning!!
When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
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Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are my friend on Facebook!

Newyork

A man in California calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Dallas and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls California immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.

Gender of a Computer...?

Gender of a Computer...?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won hands down.

AGE OF DRINKS

AGE OF DRINKS
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1 to 3:"Milk
.
.
03-08:"Cerelac
.
.
09-13:"Horlicks
.
.
14-25:"Beer
.
.
26-40:"Whisky
.
.
41-60:"scotch
.
.
60-70:"Glucose
.
.
AFTR 70 Any time..... GANGA-JAL 

Best joke in Britain

Best joke in Britain

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Aarmy

Akpos joining the Army:
Officer: We need you in the
army. Akpos: I’ll join but on three
conditions. Officer: Ok. what are
the
conditions? Akpos: My first
condition is
that
I’ll not wear the uniform
because it is too hard. Officer:
Ok. What is the
second
condition? Akpos: I’ll not do the
parade and
other training under the
sun because it will be too hot,
I’ll only do it under the shed or
some kind of shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What
is your third
condition? Akpos: And my last
and
most
important condition is that
during war times, I’ll remain
on leave.....
One word for akpos

Pahalwan

Ek Pahalwaan, jo 6 feet Lamba aur strong
tha,
bus me ja rha tha..
.
.
Conductor:"Bhaisahab Ticket
.
.
Pahalwaan:" ham Ticket nahi liya karte..
.
.
Conductor Ghabra gaya, par kuch kar na
saka,
par vo ye baat dil pe le gayaa aur gym join
kar liya..
.
.
Daily wo pahalwaan se puchta aur
pahalwaan bolta ham ticket nhi lete
.
.
Aise 6 months nikal gye...
.
.
Ab conductor bhi pahalwan ki tarah tagda
ho gya...
.
.
Agle Din conductor:" Bhai ticket lele..
.
.
Pahalwaan:" Hum ticket nhi lete..
.
.
Conductor:" chaati dikhate hue "Q nhi leta
bey ??
.
.
Pahalwaan:" Pass banwa rakha hai, isliye
nhi leta.. :D :p